Ever since my childhood, I have observed people around; my time being spent in interacting, looking. One thing i always knew was relationships were complicated! As a 10 year old girl I thought I am going to nail it when I grow up. Little did I know.

Scenario 1: Trouble in paradise

Adam and Eve making love to each other, perfectly calm, balance and oodles of love; paradise is thriving. Tired of all lovemaking they decide to venture out and grab a drink. They enter a pub, hand in hand, still cheekily clinging to each other like teenagers. Now let’s bring in some drama into this scene; enters Eric, our clueless villain. Eve catches a glimpse of him, while Adam is talking to her about his office, his life. Adam notices but dismisses it as it was a harmless attention towards Eric. Now comes the spoiler alert: while Adam is ordering his next drink, Eve decides to look at Eric again consciously this time and many more times! Adam catches her and all hell breaks loose. Adam and Eve are no longer seeing each other.

How many times have you been in these situations, i have played both the roles! I have argued on both the sides! That is strange, isn’t it; when accused I have made it a point to express that I have freedom to look and I am just looking; when on other side I have accused my lover of doing this, I have even asked him if I am not good enough for him. The so-called perfect relationship ends on this note bitterly.

Why is this thing so complex; why do people behave the way they do! Is it possessiveness; is it a reason of low self-esteem?

Scenario 2: The television

Adam and Eve decide to give it another shot as their love surpassed the minor feud they had; Eve has a bad day at work and woman being woman, she loves to talk it out; her main purpose of the relationship: someone to share happiness and sorrow. She starts telling Adam all about her bad day, Adam though attentive looks at the television time to time; Eve snaps and asks him” Are you even listening?” Adam coolly repeats what Eve just spoke. But something just doesn’t go down well with Eve, she shuts up. Logically Adam did listen to her why isn’t Eve her normal self after this?

In both the scenarios despite there was nothing logically wrong with Adam and Eve’s behaviour why was there a disconnect? Chances of them not talking about it are high- as they can’t afford to risk of losing a relationship in this highly sensitive world, but one can’t avoid the fact that each time this happens something changes, something lurks silently! Times when the other one is oblivious to this fact! The other suffers silently.

Being energy sensitive person I have come to an understanding that everything around has to deal with energy. What other reason can you make out in otherwise perfectly logical harmless situations like mentioned above? It is all about energy exchange, more you give more you get back. If you are sharing good amount of energy (attention) your relationship is working out. It might sound silly but that is how it is! People snap not because of ego, possessiveness, or lack of self-esteem, people snap because they are not getting enough energy from the other one, and no wonder there has been hue and cry over undivided attention! Adam made a fuss as Eve’s energy was diverted towards Eric in unhealthy amounts! Eve snapped because Adam’s energy was shared between her and television.

This is a sensitive issue and I have tried bringing in to notice whenever I have felt being low on focus and also have caught myself when I have given far too much attention on someone other than my mate. One has to go through all the talks of “freedom to look”, and it’s not lust; I have also undergone the turmoil of explaining that it was harmless attention. Is there any solution to this? Even after this realization I have continued to face this problem and also have continued to glance at other men. But from my end I have decided I will deal with this situation artistically when with my lover I will try my level best to give my maximum attention to him – over a time it happens effortlessly, I am on the way and when on other side I have managed to express how shitty I feel when I am caught in this situation, saves me from lot of anguish.

Nothing is perfect, nothing is fairy tale, it’s all about balance and creating conducive atmosphere for both the parties to thrive. Gone are the days when love was meant to be eternal, its fragile these days- sad truth; people break relationships very very easily. So when you are there, be there J give your attention help your relationships. Do your best.





I feel somewhere beyond the unknown, a voice calls,

Voice that breaks every notion,

Beyond every beautiful melody one could fathom,

Something rises like a spring,

Just enough to quench the thirst;

Just enough to create some more.

Light brighter than the sun,

Mild and soothing,

Touch that is strong, yet feels light,

Combination of paradoxes

At times beyond paradoxes

Have my senses registered?

When will I clearly see, feel every feel?

May be he/she/ it, is out there calling?

Waiting to entice, to seduce with wisdom,

For now it is a deafening silence,

Just a familiar brush, a light tap.


Ahh wait, I hear him whisper

Listen, my love, i call for you.


Lonely man


When I first saw him, he stood out in the hustle and bustle of the busy mall! there were many people who were sitting alone, but this man caught my attention! something was emitting from him, a strange sorrow. His stoic silence screamed  to me, a call of familiarity! and I suddenly felt as lonely as him. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, his form, his blank eyes, his weary body; all very familiar.

I told my friends to notice him and they dint find anything interesting and even rebuked me for paying attention to this creepy fellow, who now stood in line before us in the movie counter. And within no time he merged with the flowing crowd into the movie hall.

Throughout the movie i kept pondering about this man, what must have happened, why am i attracted to him so much ! was it the healer in me ? nahh i was nearly sure it wasn’t any healing episode. I turned around and checked if that guy could be seen somewhere, alas no sign of him, and i settled down to watch the movie.

No this isn’t some typical Bollywood movie wherein girl finds the guy, falls in love and lives happily ever after, and i wasn’t in love or attracted to him, i just found a strange warmth, a familiarity. How many times have i not been there where he is now! that zone of sheer helplessness, emptiness. I saw myself in him! How i wish i could tell him that its ok , things will get better, you will again feel part of crowd soon. There will be days that you slip in and out of this zone but it will all be OK. You will heal, you will smile again, you will be beyond your blaring wounds. You will finally manage to conceal them and make attempts to heal too.

People around do not take this seriously ! loneliness – but i feel its the most cruelest form of mental condition and some sort of understanding is required and not   sneering .

And meanwhile i see him for one last time, and i make attempts to make eye contact with him, but he walks away like peter parker of  famous movie- “Life of Pi”

Get well my friend, see the rainbows, get up once again, raise from the bottomless pit.




A recent debacle of something that I thoroughly believed that I was good and passionate about, gave me enough time to self bash up my inner child. Perfectionist in me screamed in agony for all the wrongdoings. Yet it all felt wrong inward, all the hate towards self, was I justified?

Why do we set so high standards of self, especially in creative fields that a glimpse of failure sometime spreads like venom? Its plain suicidal. Why the need of approval from self; why the rank 1 syndrome! We see nothing but gloom when we fail, when the whole world has moved past the incident or worst dint even recognize the failure. Why doesnt forgiveness come easily to self when compared to forgiving others?

Dearth of self talk or attitude that it’s ok to fail and fall can make life tad bit miserable. And I have encountered people like me who are burdened by their standards, by the passion that they have; controlled life, vast ego. Times when you are blocked, flowing is the last thing that you see. Sheer success followed by empty periods of nothingness; when everything is better but you. True that this suit of perfection is sometime chains that shackle our ankles.  All this feelings I let it flow, let it come to surface so that I have access to clean them, uproot them.  I became one with melancholy.

Lost in these thoughts and in need of a perspective starkly different from the one I have now, I surfed through the internet.  Like always answers come effortlessly, and the answer was this link (it will set the context if you watch the video to proceed to reading the post further) –

I jumped in sense of relief on watching this video; it was like burden lifted off my weary shoulders. Color flowed through my cheeks and life resumed to be normal after a long pause. Yes I need these nudges time to time, this prevents “Me“destroying “Me”.

Strive for excellence not for perfection is the answer right now. May be I will fail time and again, but what matters is that I will get up to try again.  I will sign up for my work, I will be present and do my best; that’s all to it.

The rise of Phoenix


She spread her arms flamboyantly! Everything looks to have expanded, was it her consciousness? Was she drunk; Nah she isn’t, she knew.  It took forever for her to reach the other side of the tunnel, towards the light! It was a long journey but was definitely worth it. For the light felt so good on her skin, it glided effortlessly in to her soul within no time. She saw light, she is the light!

Every single sense heightened, probably no drug can infuse it; surpassed every single feeling one can feel. She could hear symphonies being played in the background as she transformed; was it Beethoven was it Mozart? Was it a mix of every sound wonderful and translucent?

As she walked past those streets – experiencing this euphoria, her light she couldn’t conceal, those eyes gave away everything! She bent down to stop them from being seen as it was something private and it was for herself. But a shy smile crossed her lips; strangers who walked with her wondered and pondered; “must be in love” they thought. As If she could hear them think, she lifted her eyes and nodded yes to them! She was in love for the first time, with herself.




Intricately woven web, beautiful at first sight , ah enticing . Maybe i have always walked on the wrong side of the sticky web.  Or do i see it totally different from others! is it the case of grapes are sour syndrome? well who cares, i am here to pen down my thoughts.

Since sliced bread i was allured by concept of love, perhaps i was a character straight from Mills and Boon. Had it all planned, laid out- only to be found balancing myself in shit load of abuse ! This recent encounter has made it so much difficult to trust anybody who bares his heart and soul. What am i looking at now, companionship or security?Surprisingly what held supreme position -love, is now entirely out of scene. Like a main character killed in a plot but story goes on.

It’s all a story of commitments made and unmade, of broken promises , of impossible twists and turns , of thing called fate; which secretly plotted things when i was busy blushing, smiling, dreaming of tomorrow that i so carefully planned but alas brick by brick it was ravaged, some i was forced to remove, some fell.

Will it ever be same? will i ever be same? questions i ask to myself . Will i be able to trust this natural process, or will i continue to be the one -i am  fearful, little closed. Will these words have power on me like before – I LOVE YOU, will i take it at face value or will i doubt or reject. Is it  a matter of time or matter of eternity?

Will i be able to LOVE again? will LOVE be mine.

Mystic poet Kabir says loudly into my ears – “Lift the veil that obscures the heart and there you will find what you are looking for.”

I can see through


What do you hold in your eyes, what do your eyes hold for you; what do they spill?

Today I noticed in the crowd–

Eyes that spoke of forced silence

Eyes that spoke without respite

Eyes with flashes of light

Eyes without light – pitch dark

Eyes that nurtured sadness- mourning

Eyes burning with passion

Eyes filled with naughtiness

Eyes flaring with rage

Eyes that followed all

Eyes with trapped emotions

Innocent eyes I did find

No wonder they call eyes the window of soul, learn the art and you will be amazed to see the eternal dance of eyes.