This question has never haunted me! I was always somebody’s daughter, lover, sister etc. One can’t blame me as I dint feel it odd, I was happy with ego that was dependent on others ego. A people pleaser, dependent, clingy and what not. Among all these things I did have flashes of myself though- while I closed my eyes on a dance number, I was a dancer, when I sang, I was an ardent lover, devotee, when I wrote, I felt light. But these small glimpses were not enough for me to make attempts to begin to ponder on the question. It never occurred. I was happy, or did I think I was.
When people spoke of maintaining an identity I couldn’t relate; I was drawn outwards, I loved being with other people, healing others, feeling good about their accomplishments, being a shoulder to others. I still do! It worked earlier.
Yesterday I met few people, total strangers and they went on and on about themselves, while I had no words about myself! Suddenly I felt like an alien to myself. I can’t explain that feeling when I dint have anything to say about self but just a blabber that made no sense. I suddenly felt as helpless as a child lost in a bazaar. I do not blame myself (first step to self-acceptance) my life was designed that way, or did I design it that way; I have no clue. Here I was standing on the shores and Tsunami waves approaching me with speed and intensity and I couldn’t move! This question hit me hard. I gasped for breath. I still am gasping. Everyone’s life is unique; no, I don’t envy others who have answered this question, for the first time attention is inward , only thought how do I answer it for myself; how do I win this battle, like many other battles that I have won alone. Focus, yardstick everything is me. I will take my time, now is the time. No amount of advice, books would help, what’s the purpose if I am still looking for help outward; now the wisdom should spring within; should heal within. The water from the waves has seeped in and is paving way, slowly but steadily; there will come a time when these waves will no longer scare me; and I will let my hair loose and look at it eye to eye.