Monthly Archives: July 2014

Who am I?

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tsunami

This question has never haunted me! I was always somebody’s daughter, lover, sister etc.  One can’t blame me as I dint feel it odd, I was happy with ego that was dependent on others ego. A people pleaser, dependent, clingy and what not. Among all these things I did have flashes of myself though- while I closed my eyes on a dance number, I was a dancer, when I sang, I was an ardent lover, devotee, when I wrote,  I felt light. But these small glimpses were not enough for me to make attempts to begin to ponder on the question. It never occurred. I was happy, or did I think I was.

When people spoke of maintaining an identity I couldn’t relate; I was drawn outwards, I loved being with other people, healing others, feeling good about their accomplishments, being a shoulder to others. I still do! It worked earlier.

Yesterday I met few people, total strangers and they went on and on about themselves, while I had no words about myself! Suddenly I felt like an alien to myself. I can’t explain that feeling when I dint have anything to say about self but just a blabber that made no sense. I suddenly felt as helpless as a child lost in a bazaar. I do not blame myself (first step to self-acceptance) my life was designed that way, or did I design it that way; I have no clue.  Here I was standing on the shores and Tsunami waves approaching me with speed and intensity and I couldn’t move! This question hit me hard.  I gasped for breath. I still am gasping. Everyone’s life is unique; no, I don’t envy others who have answered this question, for the first time attention is inward , only thought how do I answer it for myself; how do I win this battle, like many other battles that I have won alone. Focus, yardstick everything is me. I will take my time, now is the time.  No amount of advice, books would help, what’s the purpose if I am still looking for help outward; now the wisdom should spring within; should heal within.  The water from the waves has seeped in and is paving way, slowly but steadily; there will come a time when these waves will no longer scare me; and I will let my hair loose and look at it eye to eye.

Relationships

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Ever since my childhood, I have observed people around; my time being spent in interacting, looking. One thing i always knew was relationships were complicated! As a 10 year old girl I thought I am going to nail it when I grow up. Little did I know.

Scenario 1: Trouble in paradise

Adam and Eve making love to each other, perfectly calm, balance and oodles of love; paradise is thriving. Tired of all lovemaking they decide to venture out and grab a drink. They enter a pub, hand in hand, still cheekily clinging to each other like teenagers. Now let’s bring in some drama into this scene; enters Eric, our clueless villain. Eve catches a glimpse of him, while Adam is talking to her about his office, his life. Adam notices but dismisses it as it was a harmless attention towards Eric. Now comes the spoiler alert: while Adam is ordering his next drink, Eve decides to look at Eric again consciously this time and many more times! Adam catches her and all hell breaks loose. Adam and Eve are no longer seeing each other.

How many times have you been in these situations, i have played both the roles! I have argued on both the sides! That is strange, isn’t it; when accused I have made it a point to express that I have freedom to look and I am just looking; when on other side I have accused my lover of doing this, I have even asked him if I am not good enough for him. The so-called perfect relationship ends on this note bitterly.

Why is this thing so complex; why do people behave the way they do! Is it possessiveness; is it a reason of low self-esteem?

Scenario 2: The television

Adam and Eve decide to give it another shot as their love surpassed the minor feud they had; Eve has a bad day at work and woman being woman, she loves to talk it out; her main purpose of the relationship: someone to share happiness and sorrow. She starts telling Adam all about her bad day, Adam though attentive looks at the television time to time; Eve snaps and asks him” Are you even listening?” Adam coolly repeats what Eve just spoke. But something just doesn’t go down well with Eve, she shuts up. Logically Adam did listen to her why isn’t Eve her normal self after this?

In both the scenarios despite there was nothing logically wrong with Adam and Eve’s behaviour why was there a disconnect? Chances of them not talking about it are high- as they can’t afford to risk of losing a relationship in this highly sensitive world, but one can’t avoid the fact that each time this happens something changes, something lurks silently! Times when the other one is oblivious to this fact! The other suffers silently.

Being energy sensitive person I have come to an understanding that everything around has to deal with energy. What other reason can you make out in otherwise perfectly logical harmless situations like mentioned above? It is all about energy exchange, more you give more you get back. If you are sharing good amount of energy (attention) your relationship is working out. It might sound silly but that is how it is! People snap not because of ego, possessiveness, or lack of self-esteem, people snap because they are not getting enough energy from the other one, and no wonder there has been hue and cry over undivided attention! Adam made a fuss as Eve’s energy was diverted towards Eric in unhealthy amounts! Eve snapped because Adam’s energy was shared between her and television.

This is a sensitive issue and I have tried bringing in to notice whenever I have felt being low on focus and also have caught myself when I have given far too much attention on someone other than my mate. One has to go through all the talks of “freedom to look”, and it’s not lust; I have also undergone the turmoil of explaining that it was harmless attention. Is there any solution to this? Even after this realization I have continued to face this problem and also have continued to glance at other men. But from my end I have decided I will deal with this situation artistically when with my lover I will try my level best to give my maximum attention to him – over a time it happens effortlessly, I am on the way and when on other side I have managed to express how shitty I feel when I am caught in this situation, saves me from lot of anguish.

Nothing is perfect, nothing is fairy tale, it’s all about balance and creating conducive atmosphere for both the parties to thrive. Gone are the days when love was meant to be eternal, its fragile these days- sad truth; people break relationships very very easily. So when you are there, be there J give your attention help your relationships. Do your best.