Monthly Archives: May 2014

Voice

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I feel somewhere beyond the unknown, a voice calls,

Voice that breaks every notion,

Beyond every beautiful melody one could fathom,

Something rises like a spring,

Just enough to quench the thirst;

Just enough to create some more.

Light brighter than the sun,

Mild and soothing,

Touch that is strong, yet feels light,

Combination of paradoxes

At times beyond paradoxes

Have my senses registered?

When will I clearly see, feel every feel?

May be he/she/ it, is out there calling?

Waiting to entice, to seduce with wisdom,

For now it is a deafening silence,

Just a familiar brush, a light tap.

 

Ahh wait, I hear him whisper

Listen, my love, i call for you.

 

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Lonely man

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When I first saw him, he stood out in the hustle and bustle of the busy mall! there were many people who were sitting alone, but this man caught my attention! something was emitting from him, a strange sorrow. His stoic silence screamed  to me, a call of familiarity! and I suddenly felt as lonely as him. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, his form, his blank eyes, his weary body; all very familiar.

I told my friends to notice him and they dint find anything interesting and even rebuked me for paying attention to this creepy fellow, who now stood in line before us in the movie counter. And within no time he merged with the flowing crowd into the movie hall.

Throughout the movie i kept pondering about this man, what must have happened, why am i attracted to him so much ! was it the healer in me ? nahh i was nearly sure it wasn’t any healing episode. I turned around and checked if that guy could be seen somewhere, alas no sign of him, and i settled down to watch the movie.

No this isn’t some typical Bollywood movie wherein girl finds the guy, falls in love and lives happily ever after, and i wasn’t in love or attracted to him, i just found a strange warmth, a familiarity. How many times have i not been there where he is now! that zone of sheer helplessness, emptiness. I saw myself in him! How i wish i could tell him that its ok , things will get better, you will again feel part of crowd soon. There will be days that you slip in and out of this zone but it will all be OK. You will heal, you will smile again, you will be beyond your blaring wounds. You will finally manage to conceal them and make attempts to heal too.

People around do not take this seriously ! loneliness – but i feel its the most cruelest form of mental condition and some sort of understanding is required and not   sneering .

And meanwhile i see him for one last time, and i make attempts to make eye contact with him, but he walks away like peter parker of  famous movie- “Life of Pi”

Get well my friend, see the rainbows, get up once again, raise from the bottomless pit.

lon

Perfection

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A recent debacle of something that I thoroughly believed that I was good and passionate about, gave me enough time to self bash up my inner child. Perfectionist in me screamed in agony for all the wrongdoings. Yet it all felt wrong inward, all the hate towards self, was I justified?

Why do we set so high standards of self, especially in creative fields that a glimpse of failure sometime spreads like venom? Its plain suicidal. Why the need of approval from self; why the rank 1 syndrome! We see nothing but gloom when we fail, when the whole world has moved past the incident or worst dint even recognize the failure. Why doesnt forgiveness come easily to self when compared to forgiving others?

Dearth of self talk or attitude that it’s ok to fail and fall can make life tad bit miserable. And I have encountered people like me who are burdened by their standards, by the passion that they have; controlled life, vast ego. Times when you are blocked, flowing is the last thing that you see. Sheer success followed by empty periods of nothingness; when everything is better but you. True that this suit of perfection is sometime chains that shackle our ankles.  All this feelings I let it flow, let it come to surface so that I have access to clean them, uproot them.  I became one with melancholy.

Lost in these thoughts and in need of a perspective starkly different from the one I have now, I surfed through the internet.  Like always answers come effortlessly, and the answer was this link (it will set the context if you watch the video to proceed to reading the post further) –

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius

I jumped in sense of relief on watching this video; it was like burden lifted off my weary shoulders. Color flowed through my cheeks and life resumed to be normal after a long pause. Yes I need these nudges time to time, this prevents “Me“destroying “Me”.

Strive for excellence not for perfection is the answer right now. May be I will fail time and again, but what matters is that I will get up to try again.  I will sign up for my work, I will be present and do my best; that’s all to it.

The rise of Phoenix

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She spread her arms flamboyantly! Everything looks to have expanded, was it her consciousness? Was she drunk; Nah she isn’t, she knew.  It took forever for her to reach the other side of the tunnel, towards the light! It was a long journey but was definitely worth it. For the light felt so good on her skin, it glided effortlessly in to her soul within no time. She saw light, she is the light!

Every single sense heightened, probably no drug can infuse it; surpassed every single feeling one can feel. She could hear symphonies being played in the background as she transformed; was it Beethoven was it Mozart? Was it a mix of every sound wonderful and translucent?

As she walked past those streets – experiencing this euphoria, her light she couldn’t conceal, those eyes gave away everything! She bent down to stop them from being seen as it was something private and it was for herself. But a shy smile crossed her lips; strangers who walked with her wondered and pondered; “must be in love” they thought. As If she could hear them think, she lifted her eyes and nodded yes to them! She was in love for the first time, with herself.

angels

Love

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Intricately woven web, beautiful at first sight , ah enticing . Maybe i have always walked on the wrong side of the sticky web.  Or do i see it totally different from others! is it the case of grapes are sour syndrome? well who cares, i am here to pen down my thoughts.

Since sliced bread i was allured by concept of love, perhaps i was a character straight from Mills and Boon. Had it all planned, laid out- only to be found balancing myself in shit load of abuse ! This recent encounter has made it so much difficult to trust anybody who bares his heart and soul. What am i looking at now, companionship or security?Surprisingly what held supreme position -love, is now entirely out of scene. Like a main character killed in a plot but story goes on.

It’s all a story of commitments made and unmade, of broken promises , of impossible twists and turns , of thing called fate; which secretly plotted things when i was busy blushing, smiling, dreaming of tomorrow that i so carefully planned but alas brick by brick it was ravaged, some i was forced to remove, some fell.

Will it ever be same? will i ever be same? questions i ask to myself . Will i be able to trust this natural process, or will i continue to be the one -i am  fearful, little closed. Will these words have power on me like before – I LOVE YOU, will i take it at face value or will i doubt or reject. Is it  a matter of time or matter of eternity?

Will i be able to LOVE again? will LOVE be mine.

Mystic poet Kabir says loudly into my ears – “Lift the veil that obscures the heart and there you will find what you are looking for.”